Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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