I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
