Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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