i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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