Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
