I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
