Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
