I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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