forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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