Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
