cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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