My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
