i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
