Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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