dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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