I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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