All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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