Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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