Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
