Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
