Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
