so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
