i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
