I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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