based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
