I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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