so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
