My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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