I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
