I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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