very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
