I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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