True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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