the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
