I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
