Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
