Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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