i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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