yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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