Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
