my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
