i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
