If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
