The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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