I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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