I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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