I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize