I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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