i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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