I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize