So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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