kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
