I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize