I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
