Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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