Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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