I'm gonna have a badass scar
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
