Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
