The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
