new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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