I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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