o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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