I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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